Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Guilt and Anger

Anger is always a tough emotion. I suspect that if I wanted to just blog about the issues of anger, I could blog daily for a very long time and never run out of material. We all have trouble owning and working through our anger.

I have friends who are great. I see them get angry and say something and they are so cool. I only know they are angry by certain quarks that come up. If they are called on that they say, "Well OF COURSE I'm angry. Wouldn't you be?" As if this is all normal. I wish I were like that.

Personally I am much more of the I hate to get angry person and as a result I do. Then I get things all messed up because I'm mad and don't stop and think because I'm mad. I mean I don't get as angry and I certainly don't yell and scream (unless it's computer related and I'm yelling at the computer, but I've decided it's not a sentient being--yet--so it's okay) as I used to, but I know the people I deal with understand when I am angry.

This came up because I am dealing with a management company on a rental house that I inherited. I am selling the house. I don't know what I am doing. I have called them many times to ask what I need to do. I get different answers each time. I find that frustrating. I am also frustrated by the fact that apparently I can't keep that frustration out of my voice because every phone call to them ends with whomever I am talking about being very short and basically saying get out of my face. They do not return phone calls.

I have not been impolite, nor have I yelled, but I can understand thinking back on it, that you could hear in the tone of my voice that I wasn't happy.

I can see this as an escalating situation. I am glad that when the house sells I will no longer have to deal with them. I am sure they think I am a bitch and I feel badly about that. While I can list all the wrongs they have done, I can also list the wrongs I have done to create this situation. In listing my own wrongs to myself, I create only guilt for not having been perfect.

Certainly there are things I could have done to have acted better. However there are things they could have done to have diffused the situation as well. I think the best thing I could have done was have been more honest about the fact that as a company they were failing me. I had the expectation that when I asked what to do, I would get a straight answer. My expectations are not being met.

This seems like a small isolated situation but there are many factors coming into play. I can take responsibility for my part, but I need to remember that it's only my PART. I am not the whole. Likewise, the evil "they" are not the whole. We are both only a part and we have both made mistakes.

Looking back and reflecting there are two things that I think I need to do to help create peace in myself. First, I need to take responsibility for what I didn't do as well as I could have and see what the core issues were that triggered me. What would I have liked to have done that I didn't? Second, I need to remember that I am human and that I will get triggered and get angry and sometimes I will act badly. I need to allow myself that and move on.


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